Un-death by Misadventure
by MaliceUnchained
Summary: A Guardian and her Ghost are never parted...unfortunately. An OC crack story, don't take it too seriously. Rated M for strong language.


Many other Guardians said Cesta was unique, or insane, or both.

Some said that she was the old warlock Osiris, reincarnated to help save Earth and the Last City.

Others claimed that she attempted to follow Kabr's footsteps, and tried to crack the Vault of Glass by herself, mostly by throwing grenades at it.

Yet others insisted that she had tried to permanently kill herself more times than any four Guardians combined, through various methods.

Cesta knew that however wild and inaccurate the stories became, they were never anywhere near the truth.

If the truth were to be told, she was both unique _and_ insane, at least to a degree.

Because as far as she was aware, no other Guardian in documented history had ever tried to murder their Ghost.

It had begun by the acid pools of Venus, when she found herself crammed back into a body that didn't seem to fit properly, mostly due to being four hundred years out of date. Her first act as a newly-resurrected Guardian had been to swear violently, then test her Ghost's robustness by hurling it into the nearest pool and hoping it would be dissolved. At least that way she could go back to being contentedly dead.

To her chagrin, the irksome floating light-bulb had just surfaced again, stating that "such actions are not conducive to our co-operative dynamic."

It went downhill from there.

Only a couple of hours later, when she had remembered how to wield the Solar light that had been her mainstay in life, she had attempted to incinerate the luminous little idiot, with no visible effect.

When they had found and restarted an old Phaeton-class jumpship, she had tried to force her Ghost into the reactor core. While flying back to Earth, she had tried to kill via the trans-mat syste, not once but three times - once into the depths of Jupiter (she'd decided they needed a detour,) once into the heart of Earth's sun and once into the ships reactor core (again.)

Only after _that_ did the unenthusiastic over-sized paperweight state laconically, "I have a suspicion that you and I are not working together at optimal efficiency."

She swore at him then, viciously and repeatedly.

"No, you infernal glorified paperweight, what you mean is _I don't fucking like you,"_ she'd snapped. "And even that is not the whole truth. The truth is, I _hate_ you. If you're smart, then you'll shut up and leave me alone for the rest of eternity, thank you kindly."

"That will not be feasible," the hovering device intoned lazily, and Cesta had sworn at it again.

"And will you stop talking like that?!" She had snarled. "Just say, 'that won't work,' you stupid, annoying, bland-voiced, fucking ignorant, hi-tech children's puzzle!"

The little light had complied, even if only for a while.

While at the City, her attempts to murder it by dropping it off the edge, throwing it off the edge, using it as target practice or having other ships land on it failed by varying degrees.

On the Earth's moon, she had attempted to throw it into the Hellmouth, have it shot by Fallen, and at one point even tried feeding it to an Exalted Ogre, none of which seemed to make any difference.

When back on Venus, hunting a Vex Gatelord, she had used it as a projectile and blocked the main gun-eye of a Vex Cyclops, causing the semi-sentient murderous robot creature to overload and explode.

Her Ghost remained, for the most part, unharmed.

When they had made the trip to Mars as part of a Fireteam, hunting some Cabal commander whose name she never bothered trying to pronounce (settling for 'Rockets McDickface' instead,) she had spent the better part of an hour trying to smash her way through an armoured bulkhead using the Ghost. Neither Ghost nor bulkhead suffered much damage, although she did get left behind after the first twenty minutes.

She had tried to get it both shot and _and_ run over by a Goliath tank, to no avail, and even the immense high-explosive salvos of the Cabal officer himself didn't seem to faze the glowing imbecile.

It seemed to her that she had exhausted most of the ordinary possibilities. So, when Eris Morn arrived at the Tower and charged the Guardians with ending Crota once and for all, Cesta saw new opportunities to try and have the hateful orb dealt with once and for all.

At the very least, it had to be worth a try.


End file.
